Wednesday 4 September 2013

Confessions and remorse of parody account operator


Hi

My name is not important here, but I’m the guy behind the twitter parody account @SheikhKhalifaPM.

I’m here to confess.

I have been posting jibes, insults, wisecracks and derisive comments aimed specifically at his highness Prince Khalifa bin Salman AlKhalifa, the prime minister of the Kingdom of Bahrain, and generally about the royal AlKhalifa family for over two and a half years now.

After having two of my iReport articles removed and my ShKhalifaPM account deactivated by CNN (I assume at the behest of those who may have felt slighted or targeted for their support of the royal family) I was forced to reflect on my actions.

I feel sincerely remorseful for what I have been doing. My rude, often nonsensical ramblings were offensive to those in leadership positions who are doing their best to resolve the current issues and aim to provide a bright future for all the citizens of Bahrain.

I now know I was wrong. And I am sorry.

I realised I was not adding constructively to the debate on this issue, an issue that has a deep impact on the lives of so many citizens as well as other inhabitants of the kingdom. This was childish of me.

So, as a way of paying penance for my wrongs, although a small gesture and unlikely to properly erase the pain I’ve caused to many people, I would like to take back many of my worst comments.

Starting with the iReport ones that got me to this apology in the first place:

* I regret saying the PM’s face “looks like the wrinkled backside of a 100 year old donkey who’s been sitting in a pool of warm soapy water for 3 days”. This is plainly untrue.

* I regret saying that anyone not loyal to him may “need a long stay at Hotel AlKhalifa for a loyalty calibration” which is a thinly disguised suggestion that opposition members are jailed and tortured in Bahrain. This has simply never happened.

* I was also wrong to imply that the PM thinks “top quality whisky doesn't drink itself” and thus suggesting he is an alcoholic. I have no way of knowing the truth about this so I should not have speculated to begin with.

* I was very wrong to suggest the PM feels this way in relation to protestors “I would like to burn them on a pyre fuelled by copies of the BICI report” This was puerile and badly thought out by me. Not many copies of BICI were printed, most of them were on USB memory sticks in electronic PDF format. So not easily combustible.  Again, factually, I was wrong.

All the above insults, and more, that I now regret, can be read here:

* Next, I’m also sorry for changing the lyrics to the 80s song “Hello”, as an ode from torturers to opposition members, to say things like

I've been alone with you
Inside your cell
And in my dreams, I've cracked my whips
a thousand times
Sometimes you see us gas
inside your door!

See the rest of this shameful ode here


* I also regret making fun of the serious steps taken to resolve the crisis in Bahrain through the national dialogue process. I’m sorry I published this fake agenda:


* Not happy with this depravity, I then played on the notion that the government of Bahrain uses Iran as their scapegoat. This was unfair and I regret I ever made this flowchart


* I wish I had stopped there. But this sickness made me spew out even more hate. I feel I hit rock bottom when I released a video on Youtube about Adolf Hitler, representing utter oppression and total evil, where he is upset that Khalifa bin Salman,  unelected PM , is the longest serving PM in the world. I apologise for this slur on the PM’s reputation. Being unelected is not a problem if the person is loved. Which the PM is. So what.

See the deplorable video, here in English


or in Arabic if you like


* But oh no. I still couldn’t stop there. I made more Hitler parodies: topics like Sheikh Nasser’s stupidity, denying entry visas to reporters, jailing of Zainab AlKhawaja (two videos, I know, I’m sick, even though she’s blocked me on twitter) and the siege of Aleker. All of my disloyal performances can be seen here


* And when I felt less evil, I’d go and photoshop photos of his highness and the rest of his crew:

* And of course to top off this sad, disgusting display of no class or loyalty, there are all those tweets I’ve been sending out daily for 2 ½ years:


Again, I’m sorry. I hope you can forgive me Bahrain.

PM's Twitter highlights

Memories


https://twitter.com/SheikhKhalifaPM/status/281272399939391488/

https://twitter.com/SheikhKhalifaPM/status/251500164173426688

https://twitter.com/SheikhKhalifaPM/status/267000779263602690

https://twitter.com/SheikhKhalifaPM/status/305423269241171969

https://twitter.com/SheikhKhalifaPM/status/254701200103063552

https://twitter.com/SheikhKhalifaPM/status/274849121427398656

https://twitter.com/SheikhKhalifaPM/status/235326207107948545

https://twitter.com/SheikhKhalifaPM/status/371735422189043712

https://twitter.com/SheikhKhalifaPM/status/370878268171227138

https://twitter.com/SheikhKhalifaPM/status/370044613945335809

https://twitter.com/SheikhKhalifaPM/status/268534377762402304

https://twitter.com/SheikhKhalifaPM/status/263192803746652160

https://twitter.com/SheikhKhalifaPM/status/314973897390960641

https://twitter.com/SheikhKhalifaPM/status/332349076576280578

https://twitter.com/SheikhKhalifaPM/status/267484351468564480

https://twitter.com/SheikhKhalifaPM/status/274052994251776001

https://twitter.com/SheikhKhalifaPM/status/375130836439293952

https://twitter.com/SheikhKhalifaPM/statuses/58782253744013312

http://twitter.com/SheikhKhalifaPM/statuses/196705200982065153

http://twitter.com/SheikhKhalifaPM/statuses/196705250797817856

https://twitter.com/SheikhKhalifaPM/status/254389847798726656

https://twitter.com/SheikhKhalifaPM/status/346503261651623936

PM Khalifa's daily work flowchart


Bahrain National Dialogue agenda (proposed)

Under the guidance of his amazing highness, KING HAMAD. The Great

Bahrain Dialogue 2013: Looking forward, looking backwards, shrugging disconsolately

Official Agenda

Time
Event/Topic
Notes
7.30am
Guests arrive at conference hall
Any Shiia or Iranians please immediately leave via side entrance
8am
Registration and sign in
Sign loyalty pledge to the wise leadership
8.30am
Tea & coffee
No biscuits
9am
Official welcome
Thank the King for his vision
9.30am
Break
Troupe of men singing & dancing. Much drumming
10am
More official welcome
More thanks to King Hamad
10.30am
2nd official welcome
Thank the CP for invite to return to Lulu Roundabout
11am
3rd and final official welcome
Thank HRH PM Prince Khalifa for his wise leadership. Also accept his apology for not attending the dialogue
11.30am
Explain the rules of the forum
You will only speak when spoken to.
You will only say positive glowing things.
No mentioning dinosaurs, Financial harbor or 4 decades PM & Guinness world record
12pm
Lunch
Please make your own way out of the hall and find nearest 'Fuddruckers’
12.30pm
Still lunch
Keep eating
1pm
Still lunch
Yalla, keep eating
1.30pm
Dessert and coffee
For the royal guests only. Some biscuits
2pm
Review of Bahrain’s progress
Detailed history of all Al-Khalifa achievements
2.02pm
Compare Bahrain to International competition
Examples of Iranian failures
2.30pm
Discuss regional ties
Hail all Historic, Brotherly, Arabic, Islamic ties to anyone and anything
3pm
Discuss issue of political prisoners
There aren’t any political prisoners in Bahrain
3.01pm
Discuss high level appointments & promotions
All Al-Khalifa got their jobs by merit. Where that failed, we used Internationally recognised rigorous nepotism methods
3.30pm
Break
Ms. Haifa Wahbi performance. Someone to restrain Hamad.
4pm
Discuss tire burning problem
Explain how this is poisonous and how teargas is the natural antidote
4.30pm
Discuss state sanctioned torture
Do not discuss this
4.31pm
Foreign plots and invisible proof
Discuss how plots are easily and conveniently foiled only 10,20,30 or maybe 40 yrs after being planned
5pm
Closing statements
Hold hands & group chant: Al Sha3b yoreed Khalifa Bin Salman
5.30pm
Thank you
Thank all participants
5.31pm
Thank you
Thank King Hamad
6pm
Thank you
Thank other Al-Khalifas
6.30pm
Cables
Everyone, send everyone else cables hailing the success of this historic event
The End



Tuesday 3 September 2013

Ode to our Shiia citizens from Bahrain Human Rights Minister


I've been alone with you
Inside your cell
And in my dreams, I've cracked my whips
a thousand times
Sometimes you see us gas
inside your door!

Hallou!!!

Do you think Hamad is a bore?
I can shoot you in the eyes
I can punch you in the smile
You've always been WANTED
And my jeeps will take you for a ride
Because you know the PM is gay
And you know  what he likes to do
he likes the ladyboys so much
I loathe you
I long to see a gunshot in your face
And shoot you time & time again
With so much hate
Sometimes the burning tires do glow

She7wal

I just can't let you go
Because I wonder where you are 
And I wonder where you hide 
Are you somewhere safe and homely? 
Or is someone torturing you?
Tell me how to break your arm
For I haven't got any glue
But let me start by saying

3ash bu 3loi

Is it freedom you're looking for?
Then I'll hit with a metal bar
I wonder how you'll rue
Mocking PM's ass that is not boney
Or when someone is beating you?
Tell us how to win in court
For I haven't got a clue
but let us start by saying, "We sentence you..."


Bahrain: The truth behind the wise leadership and other lies


The trouble:

Recently my beloved Bahrain, which is the air that I breathe, the food that I eat and the wallet that I take...anyway, has been terrorised by groups of terrible, traitor, terrorists, and not to be sectarian about it or anything, but they are, of course, Shiia.

Accompanying this unpatriotic onslaught of evil by these evil-doers, there has also been a sustained media campaign of disinformation and distortion, and not just by my government, which is why I’m so very mad. So mad in fact that my face now looks like the wrinkled backside of a 100 year old donkey who’s been sitting in a pool of warm soapy water for 3 days.

These traitors, formally regular citizens who lived in our community as our own people, came out into the streets, yelling, chanting and saying rude things about me, on February 14 of 2011. Why they chose to ruin the day of love and valentine happiness, I'll never know. But just because I don’t know something it doesn't mean I don’t have an opinion about it. I think they chose Valentine’s Day because they hate our freedom of choice; choice of Al-Khalifas to generously rule #Bahrain in the most modern Saudi tribal way possible.

The wise leadership:

AlKhalifa rule is one of the five pillars of wise leadership and stability. The other four pillars are money, land, power and other people’s money.

I have always been committed, at least in the press, to achieving great strides of honourable progress on the road to a bright future for all citizens, except for the traitors who bring chaos and pain to the country with no regard for its 200 years of tradition that puts me and my stout, inbred family in the seat of power. They deserve nothing. I would like to burn them on a pyre fuelled by copies of the BICI report. But I don’t know if this allowed or not, yet.

The solution:

And yes, I have vowed to fight these terrorists with great force and little mercy, but wisely and within the limits of the law and bounds of our HR dirt track record. Further, I promise you this, if we ever breach the law in our crackdown, we make sure we take immediate steps. Steps like changing the law so our actions are no longer outside the law. This flexibility is at the heart of my wise leadership.

Bahrain government aims to carefully tread the line between total inaction on reforms and total lauding of its progress in the media. And where the lauding stops, the cables start.

Keep in mind that running a country successfully is difficult; particularly when you’re not sober the entire time, so we decided to run it unsuccessfully.

And like I always say, top quality whisky doesn't drink itself.

Thailand:

The traitors demanded the downfall of the legitimate leadership. I know it’s legitimate because that’s the opposite of illegitimate, and I’m the expert on illegitimate. Just look in Thailand for babies that are half-Asian, half-Khalifa.

If this unbiased blog report doesn't convince you that my visionary leadership has touched everyone who has come in contact with it, the way you’re touched when you come into contact with STDs, then you may need a long stay at Hotel AlKhalifa for a loyalty calibration.


3ash bu 3li, taj raskum.