Dear nation;
I've decided to gift you this update on the
state of our nation at the end of 2013. Normally I don't do this, because
you're not worth the time and effort. But after my heavy Christmas
celebrations, I've run out of Johnnie Walker and as I'm still waiting for
Sheikh Nasser to come back from The Ritz-Carlton with another case
of whiskey, I decided to put pen to paper for your benefit.
NB: I won't mention onions or any onion
related news in this update.
Firstly, me.
Going by the awards I've won and the number of times other AlKhalifa
have hailed me for my vision, hard work and restraint in not stealing
absolutely everything that I could have stolen, my assessment is I've had a
very good year. Right up there with Mandela, Gandhi or King Abdullah.
My main achievement, and there have been many,
too many to actually list here, is that I have made sure there is no sectarian
divide anymore. Everyone in Bahrain is treated equally, from the most
privileged loyal Sunni families to the poorest, neglected Shiia terrorists in
their dilapidated third-world villages.
Secondly, you, the so called citizens.
Sadly the news is not so good for you, people.
You let us down. Here are just a few highlights of how terrible you have been this
year:
There was the time you brought shame on the
country, and me, by almost drowning to death after a little rain. Is it too
much to ask of you to take precautionary steps to be better prepared next year?
Look at Hamad for example, he bought a yacht for exactly this reason. That and
also to host Lebanese singers so they can't escape when he gets all handsy and rapey.
Then there was the national dialogue. We're up to session number 5,623
and still no resolution found for this Shiia-made crisis. It's exactly this
sort of lack of progress or development that makes me convinced that the
leadership of this country is best left in the hands of the royal AlKhalifa
family. Lack of progress or development is what we do best.
We released our latest and most honourable report
on the progress of the BICI report. Of course I didn't get the time to read it,
or, to be honest, the actual BICI report, but none the less your reaction,
filled with scepticism and derision at our reforms, was the most disappointing aspect
to me. It was as if the report lacked substance. So, as a solution I propose the
following: If you feel the follow up report doesn’t have enough hailing or praising
statements, then just let us know and we'll fix that for next year's report.
You also brought shame on us by heading to
an empty block of land to pray in a non-existent Barbaghi mosque. If it’s not
there, then we’ve demolished it. Besides, pretending it’s there is a bit like
claiming that a foreign force is interfering in your affairs but you don’t have
evidence you can show or touch as proof. Pathetic.
You also lost my respect when you mistook
me telling my torturer friends that the law won’t apply to them. To quote me, accurately,
and in context like that was unfair. BTW that reminds me I must ban all cameras
and recording devices from future 6abala gatherings.
And finally when I rightly won the “Statesman
Award” from Asian Business Leadership Forum, I showed how modesty and honest
hard work can get you accolades. I didn’t see anyone else win anything for
Bahrain. Your laziness will wreck our island paradise. Please try harder. I won’t
be around forever, though it does feel like it.
Now, a quick word on shameful international
agencies:
For saying that certain corrupt business people,
some of them our beloved expats, have implicated me in approving bribes to do
with the Alba bribery fiasco. Don’t these people understand that what happens
in a bribe-exchange stays in a bribe-exchange? Thankfully this investigation
had the same fate as all our investigations into police shootings and killings of
civilians. So we can all rest easy.
Shame on international media for making out
that Iran and the USA are now able to communicate reasonably about their
differences without violence or name calling. This, to my disappointment, discredited
my claim that you cannot reason with the Shiia as they’re all blood-hungry
terrorists.
On the government side, we did everything perfectly.
Need I remind you of how recently our navy skilfully
captured a weapons cache of Iranian-made explosives, Syrian bomb detonators,
Kalashnikovs, C-4 explosives, Claymores, hand grenades, a PK machine gun
? It reminds me of a certain terrorist farm we identified just a few years ago:
http://www.alwasatnews.com/mobile/news-217311.html
Finally, special thanks to Sameera Rajab.
She’s my best minister of state, or would be the best if I had no other
ministers of state. I especially appreciated her attributing a few Quranic verses
to Arab sayings. https://twitter.com/NawalAtteya/status/416887945111433216
What’s the difference anyway, “Mi casa es su
casa” as the Arab saying goes.
I hope 2014 ends the same way 2013 did for
me: Like Teflon. No scandals stick.
